Well...Today they do. About a week ago I sent an e-mail to old friend of mine, who knows what possessed me to bare my soul to him about an old crush I had on him. So, I told him everything, not knowing what kind of response I would get. I barred my soul and let it all out. I guess I was making sure I'm at peace with everyone. All my ex flames are with someone (either married, getting married or serious relationships) except him, so I wanted to make sure he was ok and apologize for treating him badly. So he e-mails me back letting me know he had a huge crush on me too, "back in the day", and that he now has a girlfriend he loves....
Good.
Then he goes into this thing about how I appealed to his silly side, his barbarian lust....
Dammnit!
Not again....it seems like that's all I am. Guys like be because I bring them out of their shells...I'm silly, fun and sexual. It makes them jump up and wake up. Then they leave me for someone shy, sensitive and mysterious. Well in this situation with my friend- he liked another girl too, I appealed to his silly side- she made him want to get to know her because she is mysterious. I know her, she isn't mysterious she's just shallow, spoiled and can be a pain in the ass!
I might come across silly and sexual, but I'm much more than that.....much more!! I'm fucking tired of being type-cast as the bubbly bimbo, it's an easy part to play but it just isn't me. I'm shy....alot more than I let on. I get hurt easily, even though I appear to be very tough and devil-may-care. I am not as I appear. I write poems! Poems that are very personal to me! Just because I don't put them on Myspace for everyone to read or have them published does not mean I'm not sensitive. In fact the reason I don't want people to read them is no one but me and maybe the person it was written for can understand the emotion behind them.
I have secrets and pain that no one knows. I've experienced things that have scarred me. I don't show these scars to just everyone. I am a very private person. Scoff all you want, you don't know me. You might think you know me, think you know what's going on inside my head, but no one does. I'm like a magician I distract you with something little as I hide something big. My right hand it showing something you might think as very personal and very revealing but I'm actually distracting you from my left hand hiding a much bigger secret.
I am so hurt today....I shaded it well in my e-mail response back to him. Inviting him and his new girl to my wedding....not revealing how his words dug into me. This was someone I thought understood me. I really did...*dammnit I won't cry.* I feel so forgotten. So misunderstood....I feel like a damn teenager again!
I don't care what anyone thinks....it sucks that David is getting remarried this September....that's in 2 weeks. He told me 2 weeks before he's getting married. I wanna go home and just cry. I am sensitive to these things. So what if I left him and moved on. I still feel like ....I don't know...hurt. I need a good cry. I hate feeling this way and being stuck at work. I'm very tempted to ask if I can leave let my supervisor know I'm not feeling well and take off. Maybe just up on the parkway and drive around. *sigh* I don't have enought gas to do that. I do wanna get the hell out of here though.
I'm tired of being looked over, under appreciated, and taken totally for granted. I miss friends and hanging out. I hate this stuck feeling. The bridle is feeling very tight and it makes me want to run. I feel like I bridled horse, tied out in the sun. I want to run, I want to feel wind in my face...I don't want to be here anymore. Here is bad...here sucks! Dammnit!!
I hate everything, and everyone....including me. Guess I shouldn't be working 'customer service' at a time like this eh?
