Okay so the past few days I haven't been feeling well.. Figured it was just a touch of the flu or a cold, you know, headaches, backaches, loss of appetite, weakness. Didn't worry about it too much.
Until....
I went to the bathroom with cramps and there it was....a large large glob of blood. Followed by another large glob. Then the cramps started getting worse, the blood slowed down but it felt like someone was scraping out my insides. I freaked out. (Understandably) By the time I got off work went home and slept the cramps were gone, well subsided and the blood was nothing but a slight tint. I called my mom to tell her what was going on and if she had any suggestions as to what had just happened. She told me to go to the doctor.
So I called an made and appointment with (some humor to supersede the upcoming bad news) Dr. Love MD OB-GYN. He put me through a few tests, pap smear, pregnancy test, mammogram, I got a ultrasound (now I know what my uterus looks like, as well as both ovaries) you know normal things. After the ultrasound he told me to get dressed and come down to his office.
Now my whole life, I've been going to many different doctors and gotten many different diagnoses all of which were delivered to me right there in the exam room. "Courtney it looks like this is...." right there, done, now I can go home. I have NEVER had to go into the doctor's office. I've only ever seen someone get called into a doctor's office on movies and usually it's to tell them something bad or tell them they are pregnant or something. Since I figured while he was giving me and ultrasound he would have said something about seeing a baby, and he didn't, I relized this must be bad news.
Travis and I went into his office and he was talking into his tape recorder about me and I couldn't understand his doctor terms and so I just waited. He gave me a speech about birth control, and I know it, I've heard it a million and one times...I want to know what happened, what's wrong with me. So just flat out asked him, what was it!?
It was a miscarriage.
I was crushed.
I am crushed.
We left the doctor's office and got in Travis' truck to go home and I couldn't contain myself any longer....the tears just kept falling...and falling....I cried myself to sleep that morning and slept until 10pm. Travis (bless him) loves me so much and is so upset that he can't fix it, he can't do anything but hold me and he feels it isn't enough. I love him so much. Everyone is trying so hard to assure me that I'll be able to have children later, that this just wasn't the right time. That it wasn't meant to be. That I am lucky that I didn't even know I was pregnant, didn't have a chance to get my hopes up to have them dashed like this. But I feel so empty, and it's my fault. Travis keeps telling me "it's not your fault". Oh this is so hard. It actually hurts more when I think that for so long I wanted to have child, and when I was pregnant, I didn't even know, and now.....now it's gone.
If you want to know what I know....
